A Conversation on Fatherhood: The Importance of Being Present

La’Fayette Lane and John LeBrun host UnScripted: Authentic Leadership.

UnScripted: Authentic Leadership is a discussion on spiritual, social, and political topics.

Recently, Dr. Vibe was on UnScripted: Authentic Leadership talking about “Fatherhood: The Importance of Being Present”.

During the conversation, the three talked about the following:

– The importance of presence when it comes to fatherhood and manhood
– The impact on a man when his father passes away
– How does a man who did not have a father when he was growing up show his kid(s) about fatherhood
– Fathers and dads improving their communication skill with their kids
– Where did Dr. Vibe get his passion to help men, fathers, and dads

Listen to the audio-only version of the conversation:

Watch the video of the full conversation

You can find out more about the UnScripted: Authentic Leadership broadcast

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited):

[Music]
00:10
welcome to the unscripted authentic
00:12
leadership
00:12
podcast a podcast where we are seeking
00:14
to lead change while also seeking to
00:17
understand
00:17
i am your host lafayette lane joined by
00:20
my co-host john lebron
00:22
we are here to bring another exciting
00:24
episode here
00:25
at the unscripted authentic leadership
00:27
podcast
00:28
and as you can see today we are joined
00:31
by a special guest
00:33
dr vibe he is the host
00:36
and producer of the award-winning show
00:39
the dr vibe show and you will hear more
00:42
about
00:42
who he is and what he does uh
00:45
momentarily
00:46
but before we get into that we
00:48
definitely want to just say thank you to
00:50
our unscripted audience
00:52
those of you that have been support
00:54
supporting us uh following us on
00:56
our social media platforms whether that
00:58
be on facebook
01:00
the unscripted authentic leadership page
01:02
or on our instagram at
01:04
unscripted leadership and you can even
01:06
find us on linkedin
01:08
uh unscripted authentic leadership and
01:10
those of you uh that may not
01:12
watch the podcast back on our youtube
01:15
channel
01:16
on facebook those of you that will
01:18
stream on our streaming platforms that
01:20
you can find us there
01:22
uh unscripted authentic leadership on
01:24
apple spotify google pie
01:25
kai’s ir radio stitcher and so forth any
01:30
major podcast platform uh you can find
01:33
us on
01:34
or even visit us at our website at
01:38
unscriptedleadership.buzzsprout.com
01:40
and i always we always start to show
01:42
just by making sure that everybody’s
01:44
good
01:44
checking in on everybody john how are
01:47
you doing man
01:48
fabulous wonderful it’s been a great
01:50
weekend so excited about having this
01:52
conversation
01:53
so important so yeah i’m good
01:57
yeah absolutely i am excited to get into
02:00
this conversation
02:01
on fatherhood and the importance of
02:03
being present
02:04
but before we dive into that
02:06
conversation
02:07
we want our guests to introduce himself
02:10
further
02:11
and tell the unscripted audience uh who
02:14
you are more about who you are and more
02:16
about what you do with the
02:17
dr vibe show well gentlemen thank you so
02:21
much for allowing me to share with you
02:22
and your audience i’m
02:23
truly humbled that uh john reached out
02:26
to me and said hey
02:27
love to have you on and say hey that’s
02:29
let’s make it happen so
02:31
i’m very humbled and i’m just here to
02:33
serve really and truly
02:34
here to have to serve and have people
02:37
win
02:38
really that’s what i get down to a
02:40
little bit about
02:41
me i’m dr vibe host and producer of the
02:44
award-winning doctor vibe show
02:45
i am based in toronto ontario canada so
02:48
north of the 49th
02:50
i’ve been hosting the dr vive show for
02:52
over 10 years i’ve done over 2
02:54
000 online conversations i’m a two-time
02:59
uh canadian ethnic media association
03:01
award winner
03:02
2020 actually if you don’t believe me
03:05
what my mentor always says
03:06
show proof i received this
03:11
love it that’s so cool in uh 2020
03:14
that’s right which is the best podcast
03:17
news award
03:18
and also the same organization gave me
03:20
the innovation award in 2018
03:22
which is their second highest level of
03:25
achievement award
03:26
and i’ve done that i also host the only
03:30
podcast or i just say online showcase
03:32
podcasts get so
03:33
overused i like to say online show i
03:35
like to be different at times
03:37
the only online show in the world for
03:40
dads and fathers that is sponsored by
03:42
dove men
03:42
care and dad central at dad central’s
03:46
canada
03:46
canada’s national fatherhood
03:48
organization i’m also board chair of an
03:50
organization called the global food and
03:52
drink initiative
03:53
which is a media non-profit to highlight
03:56
blacks in food
03:57
wine and travel around the world funny
03:59
enough all the board
04:01
is based in your country the united
04:02
states but i’m based here in canada
04:05
so that’s one of those things and uh i’m
04:08
an empowerment coach
04:09
mainly for men but other people too
04:12
i could run my mouth for a million years
04:14
but you’re not here to
04:15
talk for me to talk about me the why i
04:18
do
04:18
what i do is i just want people to win
04:21
and especially when it comes to men and
04:23
fathers
04:24
that i’m a strong believer that the
04:26
better that fathers and men are the
04:27
better the world will be
04:28
that’s my why yeah perfect absolutely
04:32
absolutely and that’s great uh
04:34
everything that you said
04:35
kudos to everything that you’re doing
04:39
we’re just honored and uh keep going
04:42
forward doc
04:43
yeah we definitely want to um hear more
04:45
of your expertise
04:48
i don’t know i think more mistakes than
04:50
correcting myself at times but
04:53
but you know what but hey but even
04:55
strong men struggle brothers
04:57
strong men struggle yeah that’s good i
05:01
think that’s a good that’s a good
05:02
uh launch point okay um because
05:05
uh we want to talk about the presence of
05:09
fatherhood and the importance of it i
05:11
think that
05:12
um we can kind of come to an agreement
05:15
that fatherhood is important
05:16
um but there’s different aspects to it
05:19
um points of like you just said about
05:21
uh the strong man about men being able
05:24
to be vulnerable
05:26
even in their family and in their
05:27
community but let’s start let’s lay the
05:30
foundation about the present peace
05:32
and so doc i just want to start the
05:34
question to start the conversation of
05:36
what does being present as a man and a
05:39
father mean
05:40
to you well it’s interesting a number of
05:43
years ago
05:43
i was doing a presentation i like i call
05:47
it a sharing session because i don’t
05:48
like
05:48
present i like to share with people and
05:50
a lot of times when i go out and do my
05:52
sharing sessions about fatherhood
05:55
large majority of the audience is women
05:57
and
05:58
i i talked about being present
06:02
in a father’s life and after a lady came
06:05
up she says you know what i disagree
06:07
with you
06:08
i go oh sorry all right she said
06:11
it’s more important for presence than
06:14
present and i thought about that
06:18
and one of the things one of another
06:20
things i do is i’m a
06:22
facilitator for a course called super
06:24
dad super kids
06:25
and it’s a parenting course for fathers
06:28
for kids
06:29
very rare you don’t see too many those
06:31
out there and one of the key messages we
06:33
want to give to fathers out there is
06:35
it’s not how much time you spend with
06:37
your kids
06:38
it’s what you do with the time you spend
06:41
with your kids
06:43
wow so when i saw this title about
06:47
presence and presence i said i wanted to
06:50
bring that
06:50
put that on the open in the beginning
06:52
that of
06:54
there could be many different reasons
06:55
that a father doesn’t have that time
06:58
with his child or children
06:59
but if he makes the quality time
07:03
when he’s spending time with his child
07:05
or his children
07:06
that is not only as of as important
07:10
maybe
07:10
more important so we can have fathers
07:14
that just hang out with their kids
07:16
but the kids aren’t feeling any good
07:17
vibes off of it it’s what they’re
07:19
doing the pre being present is one thing
07:22
what
07:23
presence is a father providing
07:26
his child their children so i hope i
07:28
didn’t mess you up with my response
07:30
there
07:31
we go but i just i just want to dive
07:33
deeper there so
07:34
a lot of things i’m going to share is
07:35
through evaluate experience and other
07:37
stories
07:38
from mentors that i’ve been given to
07:40
share with your audience this evening
07:42
you think it’s a little bit of the
07:43
difference between the father who’s like
07:45
emotionally
07:46
like involved with his children versus
07:49
around the house you know what i mean
07:52
absolutely
07:53
presents that’s the first thing comes to
07:54
mind is you know i have two children i
07:57
have andrew who is nine he’s actually
07:59
john the fourth we call him andrew or
08:00
drewski
08:01
um and um and lily who’s perfect in six
08:06
and um not really but i mean you know
08:08
she’s great
08:09
um but yeah the emotional presence of
08:12
being with your kids
08:13
around your kids emotionally and um
08:15
understanding what they’re going through
08:17
and listening
08:18
and those types of things versus you
08:21
know we all have friends who have who
08:22
are fathers or dads
08:24
yeah and they don’t seem to understand
08:27
what stage of life their children even
08:29
in
08:30
you say you know you’re like what
08:33
even some of the simple questions they
08:34
struggle with what do they like not like
08:36
all those types of things they i have a
08:38
friend who says
08:39
he uh he says something to me once it
08:41
was kind of i took it
08:43
it’s a nice compliment but i don’t i
08:44
didn’t understand why he couldn’t be
08:46
that way he said
08:47
i respect you a lot i’m like oh well
08:50
thanks and he said
08:51
because um he said you seem to really
08:53
understand
08:55
how to like uh the the kid things that
08:58
what he said he’s like i just don’t
09:00
he’s like i just don’t underst i don’t
09:01
get it like he’s a dad he’s around
09:04
there’s a disconnect between his
09:06
relationship
09:08
and his kids in the whole like in the
09:10
actual
09:12
engagement with the children if that
09:14
makes any sense and i don’t know why he
09:16
hat feels that way
09:17
but yeah he’s just not no it makes it
09:21
yeah it it makes perfect sense because
09:23
there’s a lot of dads and fathers that
09:25
are like that
09:26
i’d love to have a conversation with
09:28
that gentleman because one of the first
09:30
questions i’d ask him is
09:32
how was the relationship with you and
09:33
your dad when you were growing up
09:35
yeah very similar actually if i had to
09:39
write knowing him for that long your dad
09:41
was
09:42
you know didn’t come to a lot of events
09:45
loved them
09:46
very hard on him like very hard but i
09:48
never saw him
09:49
and thus he was like working on the
09:50
house kind of thing you’d never see him
09:53
at things and you knew they weren’t like
09:55
close he wasn’t going to talk to his dad
09:57
when he was in trouble
09:58
well one of my mentors said a long time
10:00
ago a lot of times when we’re kids we m
10:03
we emu we emulate what we replicate
10:12
something wrong my man you’re just like
10:14
what’s wrong
10:15
that’s good but it’s true right because
10:18
um you know perfect example many years
10:21
ago
10:21
i had the opportunity to host a session
10:24
called um
10:26
minding our minds and it was a session
10:28
for black fathers
10:30
and mental health okay two days before
10:33
the event
10:34
guess how many fathers signed up
10:39
very little i’m assuming take a guess
10:41
give me a number
10:43
um 50. i wish
10:49
i wish again three huh okay
10:52
guess how many showed up that day of the
10:55
event
10:56
i mean we’re guys it’s always last
10:58
minute it’s probably when you get your
10:59
turn out
11:01
like 30. not bad 40. oh wow that’s great
11:05
so i had my flip charts already and
11:08
divine intervention said ask this
11:11
question to the guys
11:13
and i asked them this question i said
11:15
how many of you
11:16
have or had a good relationship with
11:19
your father
11:22
how many hands went up take a guess
11:26
maybe a third
11:30
a few you said how many which means
11:32
that’s very little
11:34
three oh my so right there
11:38
what i wanted to do totally change
11:41
we just landed on that conversation
11:44
piece for three and a half hours
11:46
i had to kick him out of the place yeah
11:49
because
11:50
i realized that that is a core thing in
11:52
regards to fatherhood
11:55
so every father has a father the
11:58
question is where is that father or what
12:00
was that relationship and a lot of times
12:02
we don’t ask our fathers what that
12:05
relationship
12:05
is but one of the things i’ve noticed is
12:08
is one of the key moments in a father’s
12:10
life
12:11
is when his father dies regardless of
12:13
the relationship he had with that dad
12:17
it’s a key moment
12:21
so you you’ve been talking about the
12:23
development
12:25
um piece about the fathers who have had
12:28
fathers
12:30
so what do you say to that man that has
12:32
a family of his own now
12:35
either he didn’t have a relationship
12:36
with his father for whatever reason his
12:39
father was in jail
12:40
my father abandoned him or just as you
12:43
mentioned
12:44
um he sought after his father and after
12:46
a period of time maybe his father passed
12:47
away
12:48
so how does that father who doesn’t have
12:51
that model
12:53
that example um to follow how does he
12:56
learn how to
12:57
be present and how to communicate and
13:00
how to exemplify
13:02
say that he has a son how does he show
13:03
his son how to be a father when that was
13:05
never example
13:06
are exemplified for him great point and
13:09
it’s always an ongoing challenge i think
13:11
one of the things
13:12
that and i i guess people are beginning
13:15
to tag
13:15
me on this but i believe that before he
13:19
became a father
13:21
he’s a man so when i
13:25
i call it when i do my passion with
13:28
fathers
13:29
i want to develop the man first because
13:31
the better man he is the better father
13:32
he’s going to be if
13:34
he was not raised or did not have a
13:35
father in his life
13:37
we have to identify that well first
13:40
things first he’s got to ask
13:42
unfortunately a lot of times uh pride
13:46
comes in the way and
13:48
you do as one of the books i read says
13:50
pride comes before a fall
13:54
so if you know that something isn’t
13:56
right
13:57
what we have to realize too is as a
14:00
father
14:01
everything you do is going to impact
14:03
your kids
14:06
whether you know it or not and many
14:08
times when i’m helping fathers
14:10
when they make mistakes a lot of times
14:13
they’re only thinking about themselves
14:17
when they start thinking about their
14:19
family that’s when the light comes on
14:21
they have to realize that they have
14:23
impact if you haven’t had a father in
14:25
your life or not had a father figure
14:28
i feel for you truly and honestly i feel
14:30
for you
14:31
but that shouldn’t prevent you for
14:34
wanting to be the best father that you
14:35
can
14:36
there are organizations there are areas
14:38
out there and one of the things i say
14:40
that
14:40
every man whether he’s a father or not
14:42
should have two or three men
14:44
in his life they’re gonna love him
14:46
during the good times
14:47
and love them during the bad times
14:49
because you’re gonna have both
14:52
and it’s always better if you have as i
14:54
would call your ride or die guys
14:56
and these are not just guys who talk
14:58
about football or baseball
15:00
there’s more to life than that
15:05
so i fully believe that if you if you’re
15:07
if you don’t have it
15:08
ask for it if you really want to get
15:10
better and
15:12
you can’t do it all by yourself anyways
15:14
even if you did have a father
15:16
you can’t do it all on your own because
15:18
remember everything you’re doing is
15:20
having a good
15:21
or bad impact on your kids and on your
15:24
family
15:26
you know john did you have did you have
15:28
a question
15:29
before i move on no i was just i was
15:32
amen with everything you said it
15:34
made me just think about the importance
15:35
of mentorship and finding
15:37
those role models and people to look
15:41
um you know we have an episode on
15:43
mentorship it’s one of our
15:45
more watched episodes maybe the most one
15:48
and yeah if anybody wants to refer back
15:50
to it
15:51
basically talks about the importance of
15:53
having mentors in your life people who
15:55
can
15:56
they look at things from a bigger view
15:58
then you’re you’re in the weeds and
15:59
something
16:00
someone else can look at a higher level
16:02
and say and help
16:03
guide you through things or maybe
16:05
someone usually the further along in
16:06
life
16:07
and can help you sort of see the next
16:10
several steps of where you’re going
16:12
and that kind of thing or take a non or
16:14
even sometimes it’s nice to have
16:15
somebody who does not have a
16:17
emotional like they’re not emotionally
16:20
involved in what you’re trying to go
16:21
through
16:22
therefore they can help you make
16:23
reasonable decisions
16:25
without having the emotional attack
16:27
that’s why it’s so important not to make
16:28
decisions like late at night when you’re
16:29
tired or
16:30
you know you’re mad and stuff like that
16:32
yeah
16:33
it’s a good point you bring up i have an
16:35
acronym about you should not
16:37
it’s uh the acronym halt h-a-l-t never
16:40
make a decision
16:41
h when you’re hungry yeah a
16:44
when you’re angry c
16:48
when you’re lonely i mean t
16:51
l l is lonely not c we’re saying c hell
16:53
when you’re lonely
16:54
and t when you’re tired so that’s my
16:58
my halt acronym about making decisions
17:01
try to avoid making decisions if you’re
17:03
in any of those
17:04
states and you know i and i think that
17:07
it’s just so
17:07
key and you know what we’re all trying
17:09
to get it right so anyone who’s watching
17:11
this
17:12
i mess up like all the rest of them but
17:15
i realize that i just want to get a
17:17
little bit better each day
17:19
because as i say especially the fathers
17:21
and and men
17:22
a mistake is a moment it’s not a person
17:27
that’s good uh i wanna i wanna talk
17:30
about um
17:32
what would you say to the men and the
17:34
fathers
17:35
how can we better sharpen our
17:38
communication skills with
17:39
our children or with our family
17:42
i have a four-year-old daughter and i’m
17:44
a reader the things that i do
17:47
to if i’m not an expertise on a
17:49
particular subject i’ll read about it
17:51
because i feel like as just naturally as
17:54
men we’re problem solvers
17:55
yes our wife comes to us we’re not
17:58
really trying to communicate and have a
17:59
long
18:00
conversation we’re just trying to get to
18:01
the solution
18:03
but when you’re when you have a child to
18:04
have children like i said as a
18:06
four-year-old
18:07
trying to communicate to their level and
18:09
also modeling that communication between
18:12
her mother and myself how can men um
18:16
better communicate or sharpen our better
18:18
communicate our
18:19
sharpen our better uh our communication
18:22
skills
18:22
um when dealing with our families
18:26
okay so they’re just our aspects when
18:28
you’re thinking about children depending
18:29
on what age
18:31
one of the best ways especially if
18:32
they’re young kids one of the best ways
18:34
to improve your communication skills is
18:36
the aspect of play play with your
18:40
children
18:40
you find out how they communicate what
18:42
their limits are what their boundaries
18:44
are
18:45
play with them kids last i checked most
18:47
kids love play
18:49
and the the quality time you can spend
18:51
just playing games
18:52
playing puzzles it creates in most cases
18:55
a closer bond
18:56
with you and the child or children so
18:59
again one of the key aspects is play
19:01
as they grow up in age invest time in
19:04
them
19:05
ask how their day was especially these
19:07
days
19:08
when we’re in pandemic times uh
19:11
they’re gonna be around a little bit
19:13
more but invest in them
19:15
um us you know if depending what age ask
19:17
their opinions see how they’re feeling
19:19
because
19:19
especially now they’re spending so much
19:21
time in front of a screen
19:24
you want to make sure that you have a
19:27
notion of what’s going on
19:28
with them and it it doesn’t always work
19:32
but you have to show the initiative that
19:34
you are interested in their lives
19:37
because
19:38
in my opinion children are an investment
19:40
they’re not an expense
19:41
some people say yeah well they do cost a
19:43
lot of money yeah they don’t cost a lot
19:45
of money it costs a lot of money to
19:46
raise them the children there’s
19:47
themselves you want to create them
19:51
create them you want to treat them as an
19:53
it’s an investment in their lives
19:55
because as i say to many fathers
19:58
especially fathers that over
19:59
30 years old when i first well fathers
20:01
in general when i first meet them
20:03
i will say look god willing
20:06
you probably are not going to live as
20:07
long as your children they agree with me
20:09
on that
20:10
and then i say well let’s hope and pray
20:12
that they are living in a house
20:14
home apartment something after you’re
20:16
gone
20:18
i would love to see or love to know that
20:21
in that place there’s a picture of you
20:24
in their place how many fathers would
20:26
like a picture of them in their child’s
20:27
place
20:28
right then the next key part is so
20:32
someone asked who’s in that picture what
20:34
do you want that child to say about you
20:39
yo john you got anything
20:42
you were talking about um spending
20:46
taking time to have conversation and get
20:48
to know them through play and so forth
20:50
what about other aspects of like family
20:52
dinners you know things that
20:54
because we’re so busy too no my family’s
20:57
just as on the go as
20:59
anybody i’ll put my calendar right next
21:01
to anybody but
21:03
you know there’s nothing more satisfying
21:06
than being there’s nothing
21:08
that i love more than being dad like
21:09
there’s just there’s just not even close
21:11
people ask me who’s your favorite thing
21:12
like being dad it just
21:14
is it’s so it’s a lot of work but it’s
21:16
so gratifying and just seeing them
21:18
each step of the way you know just
21:21
getting better
21:22
especially my son he’s nine in this last
21:24
six months i just get emotional just
21:25
thinking how much he’s changed and grown
21:28
starting into that young man i’m just so
21:30
proud of him and you know
21:31
um he was the kid in class that i had i
21:34
have had a teacher conference with every
21:35
teacher
21:36
so you know and i’ve seen him and
21:38
remember your son your son is seeing
21:39
this
21:40
yeah right he’s seeing this yeah so
21:43
he’s you’re setting up the foundation
21:45
that god willing when he gets older and
21:47
he has kids
21:49
he’s the model he’s looking at you’re
21:51
looking at he’s looking
21:52
at the model when i say every teacher
21:55
it’s not because he was good it was
21:56
because he was like
21:57
the loud kid in class right and so if
22:00
everybody’s like well you understand my
22:01
kid no trust me i have the smart kid who
22:04
is like singing in class and stuff so i
22:06
get it but this year he’s changed so
22:08
he’s just amazing anyways um
22:11
what about so families on the go like i
22:13
don’t have time for this
22:14
what are some ways that they can
22:16
communicate whether it’s
22:18
dinner in the car stuff like that you
22:20
know to really
22:22
so here’s a good example you mentioned
22:23
dinner time
22:25
make it make a commitment and be
22:27
intentional that you have dinner
22:29
together
22:30
at least once a week and you put these
22:33
away
22:35
yeah have a basket
22:38
put it in the basket turn everything off
22:41
and dedicate that family time
22:44
like i don’t i think that again
22:47
if you are spending if we cannot spend
22:49
time with the ones we love
22:50
we can’t dedicate time to spend time
22:53
with the ones we love
22:55
you’ve got to remember what impact it’s
22:56
having on them not only at that time but
22:58
going forward
23:00
and the last thing you’d want to say or
23:02
if your son doesn’t do when he grows up
23:04
well that’s what daddy did
23:09
yeah i want to ask the question that
23:12
that’s been on my heart because
23:14
um how do we shift um the conversation
23:18
because i know the narrative often when
23:20
it comes to fathers
23:21
is that fathers are not present fathers
23:23
not president not there
23:25
um but the reality is i believe that’s
23:27
not the majority
23:28
i believe that there are a vast majority
23:31
of fathers that are present
23:33
what do we do about the fathers that are
23:35
present but don’t feel appreciated
23:38
what what what can we do to uplift those
23:41
men that are out there
23:43
in their family they’re working they’re
23:44
providing they’re doing all the things
23:46
that a good father should do
23:48
but they just don’t feel appreciated how
23:50
can we shift that paradigm
23:52
i think it’s up to us as men and fathers
23:55
that we’ve gotta do things like this
23:59
okay right because
24:02
it’s funny when a family situation is
24:06
not good
24:07
and the father leaves
24:10
many times after the father leaves the
24:12
father’s missed
24:15
right so i think that we have to have
24:19
more of these communications like this
24:21
and one of the good
24:22
results of the pandemic i’ve noticed
24:24
more men’s groups
24:26
and fathers groups online and i think
24:29
that’s a start there
24:30
because conversation leads to conversion
24:33
because
24:34
i’ve had the blessing of helping many
24:37
different types of men from a 17 year
24:40
old that’s had twins to a 55 year old
24:42
gentleman that spent
24:43
over 200 thousand dollars in custody
24:46
with family lawyers to get custody of
24:48
his child
24:48
and i would be having them at the same
24:50
table they’re relating to each other
24:54
they both got kids both living to be the
24:57
best for their children
24:59
we have to take the initiative we can’t
25:01
expect society
25:03
to come helping to us and let’s be fair
25:06
here
25:06
and and most ladies that i when i speak
25:09
this they get it that they realize that
25:10
there’s a lot of services out there to
25:12
help
25:13
women and mothers there isn’t as much
25:15
out there to help
25:17
men and fathers
25:20
so what we have to do is we have to take
25:22
the initiative a lot of its it all
25:24
starts with us
25:25
really and truly we have to do things
25:28
like this
25:29
have these conversations reach out to
25:31
men out there and just ask them are you
25:33
doing okay
25:34
once a week phone two or three guys just
25:36
ask them how they’re doing
25:37
and we don’t want to hear about work i
25:40
don’t want to hear about work i want to
25:41
hear how’s your heart
25:43
and not your your workout heart i wonder
25:45
what’s going on your emotional heart
25:47
that’s what i want to know i want to
25:49
know why you’re doing what you’re doing
25:51
i don’t want to know what you’re doing i
25:53
want to know
25:53
what’s going on inside of you because
25:56
there are too many fathers and men out
25:57
there that are screaming and nothing’s
25:59
coming out
26:00
sure sure so in the united states we
26:03
have a 60 70
26:05
divorce rate right yes i know that yeah
26:08
which means and i’m assuming canada is
26:10
probably similar percentages um
26:14
you know you guys are basically the same
26:15
you just say about different than we do
26:17
um
26:21
you have 10 times our population but all
26:23
the percentages
26:25
are pretty the same in regards to
26:26
percentage of population yes
26:28
great country you know lots of very
26:31
similar
26:32
and so with that by default
26:35
there’s going to be different households
26:37
with mothers and fathers and
26:39
typically courts lean towards mothers
26:42
for
26:43
parenting now sometimes it’s 50 50 and
26:46
that’s
26:46
okay but that means there’s probably 50
26:48
percent of the time
26:49
dad’s not around or mom
26:52
but we’re here today we’re talking about
26:54
fatherhood do you have any advice
26:56
towards that
26:58
well i don’t have enough power on my own
27:00
to change
27:01
the family court system but i do think
27:04
that
27:05
we have the if we band together we can
27:07
certainly make change in regards to that
27:09
there’s a a gentleman who’s become a
27:11
close associate of mine who is a family
27:13
lawyer
27:14
and the first time i met him he said
27:17
all i want is fathers to be retreat all
27:20
i want is fathers to be treated with
27:22
fairness and respect
27:24
i’m saying and i get that i’m saying
27:27
what
27:28
in regards to what dads can do be more
27:31
present
27:32
because they’re only going to see their
27:33
kids by default now
27:36
50 percent they’ve got to make the most
27:38
of that time they’re spending with the
27:40
child
27:41
they’ve got to make it a priority now i
27:44
there are situations where well let’s
27:47
here’s a perfect example
27:48
there have been situations where i have
27:51
um situations with fathers where they
27:52
have restricted access to their children
27:55
and they constantly they have two hours
27:58
to visit
28:00
and they’ll show up 15 minutes late
28:02
[Music]
28:07
children are smart you know right that
28:10
father don’t get it
28:11
that child does not feel valued because
28:14
they’re
28:15
they child realized i have a limited
28:17
amount of time with
28:18
daddy and daddy’s always showing up
28:22
late a lot of times what happens the
28:26
child don’t want to see the father
28:28
anymore so we have to be
28:31
intentional when it comes to our
28:34
children
28:34
intentional to be with our children
28:38
right because they get it yeah
28:42
i hope that answers your question no
28:44
it’s perfect intentional that’s that’s
28:46
my biggest takeaway from that
28:48
you know have to be intentional and know
28:50
your why
28:51
and realize that everything you do that
28:53
is going to affect that child in a good
28:55
or bad way
28:59
you know i heard you you you mentioned
29:01
about
29:02
uh men need to have more conversations
29:05
like this
29:06
yeah um but i also heard you mentioned
29:08
several times that you have
29:09
mentors that’s one of the things that we
29:12
really push here
29:14
on our platform is the importance of
29:16
mentorship
29:17
how did you go about is that something
29:19
that you sought after a mentor
29:22
um is that something that just happened
29:24
organically for you how did you
29:26
connect the mentors in your life um you
29:29
surrounded yourself with those people
29:30
that
29:31
um gave you that that iron sharpening of
29:34
our relationship how did you find that
29:37
well i got to a point where i said i
29:38
can’t do it all by myself and then
29:40
i’m blessed because i host an online
29:42
like i host about four or five online
29:44
shows
29:45
so i get myself in environments with a
29:48
lot of different people
29:49
and if i like what someone’s saying i
29:51
say hey can we have a conversation and
29:54
then
29:54
i like to filter because my time is
29:57
precious and also
29:58
if i have someone who i want to have me
30:00
mentor mentoring myself
30:02
i want to make sure their time is
30:03
precious and also if it’s someone i want
30:05
to mentor them
30:06
i want to make sure i make myself
30:08
available and saying how can i help you
30:11
i don’t want to be a gimme gimme gimme
30:13
person so they i was
30:15
with some of canada’s most powerful
30:17
people in the business world
30:19
now it isn’t a dad thing but i’ll show
30:22
tell you
30:22
how this mentorship came about so there
30:24
was a lady on there
30:26
she’s the vice president of sales
30:29
of one of one of canada’s biggest
30:31
communication companies
30:34
and she said during the call hey if
30:36
anyone wants some mentorship
30:38
i’m open so i was there like bang
30:41
like bang so i called her we eventually
30:45
got together and last week we had a call
30:47
for 30 minutes
30:50
we exchange stories of our journey
30:53
and within 10 minutes she goes you know
30:55
what i can tell you have a good heart
30:57
if there’s anything i can help you with
31:00
don’t be afraid to ask she
31:01
she got to the point where she said her
31:04
she was raised
31:05
by her father because her and her two
31:06
sisters
31:08
um the mother passed away when she was
31:10
13.
31:12
so again it relates a little bit to
31:13
fatherhood she goes i realize your
31:15
passion about fatherhood
31:16
and she said you know my mother passed
31:18
away from cancer
31:19
about four or five years ago i was
31:21
driving down in heavy traffic and i felt
31:23
a lump in my neck
31:25
and then she put up her phone and showed
31:27
a picture of her bald
31:29
she’s a chemotherapy survivor
31:35
so you want if you’re looking for that
31:37
mentorship
31:39
develop the relationship before you get
31:42
the mentorship
31:45
right i’m very much a relationship
31:47
foundational guy
31:48
and most of the time it works out good
31:50
sometimes it doesn’t hey
31:51
no problem but that story there where
31:54
someone i had never met before got put
31:57
their phone in the machine look this is
31:59
my ball head i’m a chemotherapy survivor
32:04
so we have to create for men and fathers
32:08
you always hear a safe space but we need
32:10
to create a safe
32:11
and brave space
32:15
for our fathers and men yeah people can
32:17
be safe but they can just be sitting
32:18
there
32:21
right they can be sitting there like a
32:23
bump on a log whatever
32:24
but you want to have a brave space so
32:26
they feel comfortable to share
32:28
their highs and their lows with you
32:32
and with and hey people out there it can
32:35
take a long time for some guys
32:38
hey just be ready because a lot of us
32:40
guys we got a lot of unpacking to do
32:42
and during our like and they always say
32:46
that when ladies
32:46
you uh mess up with a lady’s trust
32:50
it can be a bad thing it can be for guys
32:52
too
32:55
so it will take time don’t be afraid
32:58
it may take time for you to get that
33:00
trust but once you get that trust
33:03
there’s the environment for great things
33:04
to happen
33:07
that’s great that’s great i i think i
33:10
don’t think that we asked you or at
33:11
least i didn’t ask you about
33:13
what really ignited you to even start
33:16
and have that passion about fatherhood
33:19
like what was the foundation of all of
33:21
it you know that’s a great question and
33:23
i didn’t really
33:24
think about it seriously till about a
33:26
month ago
33:27
and i’ve always been passionate about
33:29
helping men but it really crystallized
33:31
about three or four weeks ago about
33:34
12 years ago my father
33:38
had a heart attack
33:41
and before he
33:44
i wheeled him in on his gurney
33:48
into his operating room and i don’t wish
33:51
this to anybody
33:52
but i wheeled them in and then i
33:55
was there with my stepmother
33:59
for four and a half hours reflecting
34:04
because i don’t know if i’m gonna see
34:05
him again
34:08
and saying you know i had those woulda
34:10
coulda shoulda moments
34:12
so after four and a half hours doctor
34:15
comes into the operating room
34:17
my world froze because i don’t know what
34:20
he’s gonna say
34:23
and he said he’s gonna be okay
34:26
i ran up to the doctor and i got down on
34:29
my knees and i physically
34:30
hugged his leg for about a minute and a
34:32
half
34:35
and then i went i asked the doctor can i
34:37
go and see him he said sure
34:40
and he said so when i went in there my
34:41
dad said
34:43
i can feel my toes now i go you damn
34:47
scamp
34:49
but i said that was the moment
34:53
i always been doing it but that really
34:55
crystallized at
34:56
that moment because my father and i
34:58
didn’t have the best when i was growing
35:00
up
35:01
but now we’re at the point where we were
35:03
each other’s best friends
35:04
and whenever we make important decisions
35:07
we always bounce it off each other
35:09
but we didn’t always have that but now
35:12
i’m glad
35:13
that he’s lived long enough and i’ve
35:15
lived long enough
35:16
for us to have that relationship but i’d
35:18
always been doing it but that’s when it
35:20
just really
35:21
crystallized that moment
35:25
yeah i think i think that’s so good that
35:27
point that you just made
35:28
um sometimes it takes a life event like
35:31
that for you to really stop and to
35:33
reflect and to realize
35:35
that you know whatever issue that we’ve
35:36
had in our relationship whatever
35:38
isn’t the schisms it was in the grand
35:41
scheme of things
35:42
it really doesn’t matter um as much as
35:45
having that genuine relationship with
35:47
your father
35:48
because the reality is you only get one
35:50
uh
35:51
yeah you know it’s it’s it’s so true
35:54
that you know
35:56
and and for a lot of guys
35:59
there there’s many moments in our lives
36:02
and this is fathers
36:03
and and men there are at least two
36:05
moments in our lives
36:06
that are challenging there’s one moment
36:09
in our lives and we
36:10
probably if we’re in our late teens
36:14
early 20s we’re not a teenager anymore
36:17
but we’re not a man
36:19
[Music]
36:22
unstable we’re not solid
36:25
and then you have when you get in your
36:28
late
36:28
40s maybe early 30s and you thought you
36:31
were supposed to be at a certain point
36:32
in life
36:34
and you’re not there yet you’re unstable
36:39
and sometimes we try to reach back and
36:41
grab back to our past
36:43
which we the stuff we didn’t have when
36:44
we were younger
36:47
and a lot of times with fathers and men
36:49
there’s a kid
36:50
inside that man that’s preventing him to
36:52
be a man
36:57
yeah that’s good john did you have any
37:00
other questions
37:03
no it’s been great i i feel like when
37:05
you say
37:06
that the father who’s who’s reaching
37:08
back because there’s a kid still in
37:09
there
37:10
it just makes me think of uh and i hope
37:13
nobody listens this takes us the wrong
37:15
way
37:15
but some of you may i guess oh it’s your
37:18
show so i’m gonna get off
37:20
yeah i can’t be fired though um but it
37:22
makes me think of
37:24
what i call the video game dead i’m not
37:27
saying i’m against
37:28
video games i don’t really play him
37:30
unless it’s with my son
37:32
and he’s on a limited time frame but um
37:35
so but um that’s for another day but
37:38
uh you know i i i watch a lot of times
37:42
when i see
37:44
dad on the video games from like 7 00
37:47
p.m
37:48
until like 3 a.m and then they’re
37:50
exhausted the next day
37:52
but that’s the thing continuous cycle
37:54
and
37:55
literally this is the weirdest i don’t
37:57
know why it happens but i was a gamer
37:59
in my late teens and early 20s i had my
38:03
son
38:03
and i did it was i did not intend it to
38:05
be this way i remember coming home from
38:07
the
38:08
hospital with him my wife was is like
38:11
two days home my wife was sleeping
38:13
because she’s still recovering from
38:15
surgery
38:16
i remember having him in a cup and a
38:17
crate in the carrier
38:19
and i was like you know what i’m gonna
38:20
play some madden i go to turn on this
38:22
football game on my playstation
38:24
i pulled the chair up i sit down i
38:26
looked at it and i just had this feeling
38:29
like
38:30
you know when you’re when you’re doing
38:31
something you’re like i’m totally bored
38:32
of this you know like i don’t really do
38:33
i’m like i just feel like um
38:35
i just don’t feel like it and that was
38:37
the last time i turned on
38:39
my own video game to play it and never i
38:41
was 20
38:43
i mean it was 10 over 10 years ago i
38:45
don’t even know 26 but my son’s nine so
38:48
i guess i’ve been nine years ago so i
38:49
played up till my mid-20s
38:51
but just for some reason it just was no
38:53
longer important
38:55
um so i don’t understand when someone
38:56
else wants to like let that take over
38:58
their life but i get it when you’re
39:00
saying now you’re saying that
39:01
the inner child is reaching back that’s
39:04
what it makes me think of
39:05
well you know an important thing is we
39:07
have to accept fathers and men
39:09
where they’re at not where we want them
39:11
to be
39:11
[Music]
39:12
right so i think importance of
39:15
acceptance of where they
39:16
where they’re at we not we may not agree
39:18
with it
39:20
but we have to accept where they are and
39:21
not where we want them to be
39:23
yeah and that’s not me chastising dad
39:25
necessarily who’s
39:26
playing the game sort of i guess i did
39:28
but um
39:30
like but i’m not like a perfect dad you
39:32
know what i mean i got lots to work on a
39:34
whole bunch to
39:35
to figure out that kind of thing but i
39:38
don’t know
39:40
thanks for sharing that absolutely
39:44
dr vibe as we as we get ready to wrap up
39:47
is there anything
39:48
else that you want to leave our
39:50
unscripted audience with
39:53
uh yeah some quick things because one of
39:55
the things i i love to do is
39:57
ask my community because i like to keep
39:59
community engaged and i did an
40:01
instagram live a few hours ago before we
40:03
went live here about you know i was
40:05
telling i was doing this and they have
40:07
any input so just some quick things that
40:09
some of
40:10
uh my community said one gentleman pin
40:12
the destroyer said
40:13
the importance of being present that if
40:16
you are not teaching your kids morals
40:17
ethics and humility
40:19
then it’s possible that they can grow up
40:21
not knowing these values
40:25
another person said a lady said plus the
40:29
greatest gift that fathers
40:30
to be open and show their vulnerability
40:34
show their vulnerability so they can be
40:38
seen not only as protectors but also
40:40
honest to themselves and to their family
40:44
um yeah
40:48
yeah the the importance of the values
40:51
came up a lot
40:52
uh and a good father respects the mother
40:57
it’s okay right you have a whole talk on
41:00
that
41:00
yeah this gentleman’s again pin the
41:02
destroyer our mom can only do so much
41:04
and it’s important for the dad to be
41:06
there
41:08
absolutely so that’s a few things from
41:12
the doctor vibe show community i guess
41:14
my final message to
41:15
fathers out there and there’s so many
41:18
different ways i could go hopefully
41:19
there will be a part two of this i’ll be
41:21
short and sweet i think that
41:25
love faith and respect
41:30
also it’s not easy being a dad
41:33
so reach out for help these two
41:36
gentlemen are here
41:38
i’m here i may be in another country but
41:40
i help men all around the world and one
41:42
of the things i’ve learned about
41:43
men is they may look different but a lot
41:46
of them have the same challenges
41:50
so i think that’s really important uh
41:53
especially
41:53
in these times of the pandemic remember
41:56
to give yourself
41:57
grace you know
42:01
give yourself grace it’s not i know it’s
42:03
not easy being a mother but it’s not
42:04
easy being a father
42:06
either and i really want to talk
42:09
there’s also a quick thing here about
42:11
the whole area of a father
42:12
or a man being a a provider
42:18
it’s important to be a provider
42:20
financially but
42:21
it’s also being a provider with time
42:24
with mentorship with help being a
42:27
provider in those areas that are
42:29
non-monetary
42:33
because you know what dads when you get
42:36
on your deathbed you’re not gonna ask
42:38
for more money you ask for more time
42:42
and remember time never lost the fight
42:47
so i really want you to think about
42:50
investing the time presence is good
42:54
present and presence we talked about
42:57
what do you what are you doing when
42:59
you’re with your child if you have
43:00
a lot of time or you have little time
43:02
what are you doing
43:05
ask what the child likes to do you know
43:07
you wouldn’t be you’d be surprised how
43:09
many fathers
43:10
come to me say well i don’t know what to
43:11
do with my child and depending what age
43:13
they are
43:14
i ask have you ever asked them no
43:19
and a lot of times because that’s the
43:20
way they were treated
43:22
right so not everything that we as dads
43:25
fathers caregivers men
43:27
was right so it’s our responsibility
43:32
to change some of the narrative if you
43:35
know it isn’t right
43:36
you don’t have to keep on doing it true
43:40
you know so and the last thing the more
43:43
you know the more you need to know
43:46
absolutely this this has been an
43:48
incredible incredible conversation dr
43:50
vibe and again
43:51
thank you we want our unscripted family
43:54
we don’t want you to just hear dr vibe
43:56
on this episode
43:58
but we want you to go follow him on all
43:59
his social media platforms
44:01
you can follow him there at his website
44:06
www.thedoctorvibe
44:07
show that’s www.thevoctorvibeshow.com
44:13
you can also follow him on his social
44:15
media platforms
44:17
on twitter his twitter handle is at dr
44:20
vibe
44:20
show his instagram handle is the exact
44:23
same the dr vibe show
44:25
and the dr vive show on linkedin you can
44:28
also find him
44:30
on clubhouse at dr vibe
44:33
you also find his show on any of the
44:36
following streaming platforms
44:38
on youtube stitcher uh i heart radio
44:41
apple podcast tune in radio google play
44:44
music and spotify
44:46
it is the dr vive show and also he has a
44:49
facebook page
44:51
the dr vibe show and as always at the
44:54
end of each episode here at the
44:56
unscripted
44:56
authentic leadership podcast we want to
44:59
give our listeners and our audience
45:01
our read of the month our read of the
45:03
month this
45:04
month is the millionaire next door by
45:06
thomas stanley
45:08
please go read that um yeah said one
45:11
more thing
45:12
just sure i always say at the end of my
45:14
broadcast whether i’m
45:16
on this side or that side live your life
45:18
as a dream if you can dream it you can
45:20
make it
45:21
sometimes you have to get small to get
45:23
stronger
45:25
block assumptions and aim bigger aim
45:28
better
45:28
in wider aim higher yeah
45:32
absolutely thank you and so uh the read
45:35
of the month is the millionaire
45:37
next door by thomas stanley we are
45:40
promoting um business family
45:42
faith and finance as well we want you to
45:44
be holistic in every area
45:47
of your life again i can’t say it enough
45:49
to you dr vibe
45:51
uh and i’m sure john and those that will
45:54
watch this and listen to this
45:55
we thank you and i i you heard you said
45:57
about part two
45:58
i believe we’ll take you up on that yeah
46:01
my pleasure my pleasure and my honor
46:04
absolutely absolutely we always say here
46:07
at the unscripted authentic leadership
46:09
podcast
46:10
that we are here to build bridges and
46:12
not walls bridges connect and walls
46:15
divide
46:16
until next time we pray that you be the
46:17
leader that god has called you to be
46:28
[Music]